Enough about myself - I would like to discuss bananas, the American staple fruit. Bananas are one of the fastest selling products at any grocery store, and they're certainly one of the cheapest/"best" snacks for their price. Everywhere I've been in the United States sells bananas for under fifty cents a pound; here in Ohio, the going price at most places (including my work) is thirty-nine cents a pound.
Americans can get a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendys for ninety-nine cents, a Clif Bar from Trader Joe's for one dollar, 3 packs of ramen noodles at thirty-three cents a piece, a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for approximately one dollar - or a bunch of bananas from any grocer, farmer's market, or even Circle K for that same dollar bill. Here in northeast Ohio you can rarely even get an avocado for a dollar.
All things considered, bananas are a top tier snack food. Not only are they cheap, but they suppress hunger, they're commonly known by Americans as being a great source of Potassium (although nearly any fruit or vegetable is), they're wonderful thickeners for smoothies or recipes, and they come conveniently in their own protective peel.
Bananas are one popular product whose popularity I actually think is deserving. Iceberg lettuce is total trash, vidalia onions are the most worthless thing to exist in the Allium genus, baby cut carrots and celery are the most boring items to even have the honor of resting in the confines of the produce department - but bananas definitely deserve their high profile, and they're probably the only item that the casual shopper buys from the produce department that isn't purchased to be dipped in ranch or positioned on a burger.
Why then, would I go out of my way to make an "Angry Produce Guy" rant about bananas or their patrons, especially as my first and considerably most pressing post? I have a whole cornucopia of reasons.
1. The first matter is customers and ripping bananas from the bunch from whence they belong. It may seem a petty complaint at first glance, but consider that bananas are probably the fastest selling item in the entire department; we have at least an entire pallet of bananas to sell at my grocery store on any given day. Honestly, the same held true at any other grocery store I've ever worked at, meaning: there are dozens upon dozens of bunches to pick from. Why would a customer pick up a bunch of 7 bananas and rip off 2 and place them back - instead of just grabbing a bunch of 5 bananas, which is probably the most frequent number of bananas in a bunch anyway? It makes no sense to me. All that a dipshit customer accomplishes by dismembering that bunch is making an extra mess, unnecessary work for myself or my coworkers, and an ugly fucking, lone banana eyesore. You're not saving too much money, seeing as bananas are only thirty-nine cents a pound! In removing that banana you're only saving maybe a dime - great, go call your asshole friend with that dime you saved and tell him about the shitty bananas you just bought. If you wanted, and my work permitted, I would give you that ten cents to buy an extra fucking banana to replace whatever unhealthy snack you'd cram down your throat later. Do you trim your greens you buy to save a few cents? Do you go down the perishable aisles and only grab half a box of cookies, because you're afraid they'll "go bad" before you'll eat all of them, you worthless piece of shitfuck?
2. Why do customers search so carefully for their bunch that's a perfect fucking expression of their unique personality? Standard bananas have two tastes: ripe or unripe, yellow or green. There is little to no variance in bananas' taste - it's plain as shit, you can read it on their peel. I can understand if you're buying something that actually requires some thought like berries. If you're buying blackberries, for example, you want to look at their color, make sure there's no mold, and check the sizes of the berries and their drupulets. Bananas are the easiest product in the produce department to shop for, yet people think they're suddenly important connoisseurs des bananes thoroughly inspecting every fucking bunch graced with the presence of their nobility. You're not knowledgable about fruits or vegetables because you think you're able to find a good bunch of bananas.
3. If your bananas aren't ripe enough: wait for them to ripen. If your bananas are too big, cut them in half when using them, or just eat whatever's left over.
4. People constantly grab from where I'm stocking. Sometimes I'll even rotate the bananas when the older ones are browning or bruised, and people dig underneath to get the bananas I just placed. Why don't you just ask to take bananas from my fucking boxes! Are customers really that antisocial, or that afraid that I'm some thieving, minimum-wage low-life who's incapable of social interaction? This shit pisses me off something harder than my dick. You're like a gopher or muskrat tossing dirt all over my freshly mowed lawn as you dig your holes.
5. My work does "banana bags." Banana bags are bags stuffed with what's supposed to be three pounds of bananas (although I usually put upwards to four or five pounds) for ninety-nine cents. Why don't people buy banana bags? No fucking clue. They just sit there some days, the great deal that they are, and only take up space.
6. People bitch way too much about anything organic, like it's some migrant force threatening their status quo. Note that I will probably complain about peoples' distrust of organic food regularly in my posts. Honestly, food engineers make their patrons' health their key concern and never do anything "wrong," greedy, or otherwise harmful to the species or environment. Nope. "Science" is the buttfuck buddy of humanity, and it even remembers the complimentary reach around and Andes mint on the pillowcase. Yes, major organic agribusinesses make more money and can demand higher markups for what's considered a "speciality" item. It's no secret: nobody is "immune" to greedy or corrupt practices. Yes, organic food goes bad quicker - but that's because that's how food, especially produce, is supposed to be. If you're going to cook something up mighty, then go to the grocery store or market the days before preparation - you don't need to stock up on food like you're living in a bombshelter.
Organic food is healthier for you, and it tastes better. I will probably revise this entry with quotes supporting both claims I just made.
Well, I guess that is everything I have to say about bananas in my premier blog entry as my new web persona, "The Angry Produce Guy." As a closing statement, I ask that anybody buying bananas follow everything I posted and try and be more considerate to the workers as you're rummaging through bananas. I also recommend to any readers to buy red bananas, because they rule and they're definitely worth the extra dollar or so a pound.
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