Why do people like iceberg, is it just a matter of habit and what they're accustomed to? Iceberg is the shittiest "green" to exist. Arugula, spinach, endive, escarole, butterhead lettuces, frisee, kales, turnip greens, and even romaine lettuces all taste better than iceberg. Iceberg is the laziest shit to put on a sandwich or burger. If you're a "true" red-blooded American, you more than likely just put a "beefsteak" tomato, vidalia onion, and iceberg on your sandwiches. I guess, even according to wikipedia, people mostly value iceberg for its "crunch" and not for its taste or nutritional value. I guess it probably fools a few assholes into thinking they're getting a vegetable serving, too.
I don't want to downplay the importance of texture and color in food though, since the ambiance, our minds, and the way things "hit" our tastebuds all serve some sort of relevance in our eating experiences.
Iceberg annoys me because it sells so quickly sometimes, and I guess I just feel bad for people having such shit taste. I pity people who honestly haven't experimented with other greens. A head of iceberg is $1.29, the same price you'd pay for a pound of red leaf or green leaf - which are both major upgrades. Why the fuck don't people turn the fuck around and just get some red leaf, green leaf, or romaine? Are people honestly that boring?
Customers also constantly bitch about the quality of iceberg; do I expect my shit to look and taste like caviar? No. It's iceberg: it's pretty obvious that it's going to be poor quality, and it's even more obvious that it's going to taste like water. Why don't you just rip off the one or two ugly leaves on the outside, considering the rest is just going to go bad before your fat ass eats the whole head? They're in plastic, and my haughty workplace refuses to sell items at reduced prices (since it's apparently a stab at their "reputation" for quality), so I can't possibly open them up and re-wrap them. Instead I'm just going to have to throw them away. Thanks a fucking lot customer, for contributing to more wasted produce.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Entry #5: Health Pt.1
I'm definitely no nutrionist, and my input is hardly worth shit - but most customers are tremendously misinformed as far as health and healthy eating are concerned. There are at least two major stereotypes I associate with the incredibly gullible consumer:
1.) The American who values "fitness" over "wellness." What I mean is when gentrified white suburban, pseudo-Californian honkies count calories and think a specified amount of time on a treadmill will miraculously etch out their sinful indulgences. These are the same people who grab tons of Clif bars and Vitamin Waters, or take supplements they buy from GNC; they'll also talk a lot about whey protein powder, as if it's the superior option. This is precisely the type of shit that gets my dick in a twist. They'll also worry a lot about protein intake, as if it's more important than any other nutrient; in their eyes, the meat and dairy slices on the food pyramid are just as large as the fruit and vegetable slices.
2.) For whatever reason, there are the dickfaces who come in and think salad is the only healthy thing you can eat. Most of these people have never even made a single salad in their lifetime - they just buy the prepackaged Fresh Express bullshit. Mostly when they actually go to the salad bar, they put eggs, cheese, or huge fucking plops of salad dressing (ranch or thousand island) ontop of everything. These are the same assholes who fall for "lesser evil" eating, you know - "100 calorie" this, or "low-fat" that. Chances are they'll leave the store buying 4 boxes of "low-fat" cookies and a few Healthy Choice tv dinners.
There are so many other things about how most people perceive healthy eating that don't even have to do directly with either of those godforsaken stereotypes. I fucking Hate (I cannot italicize "hate" enough - if I could do something with the text that's ten times more dramatic I would) when people say some crock like "I like celery a lot, when it has peanut butter on it" or "carrots are my favorite vegetables when they're dipped in ranch." Guess what, assfuck? You don't "like" carrots or celery - you like peanut butter and ranch! Quit fooling yourself already - you don't like vegetables; go back to eating cheeseburgers and hotdogs you fat, worthless piece of fuck.
I also really want to spit on almost any customer who comes by assuming that transgenic foods are healthier, because as we should all know: scientists engineer everything they do for our collective health. Yeah fucking right, you gullible pricks.
1.) The American who values "fitness" over "wellness." What I mean is when gentrified white suburban, pseudo-Californian honkies count calories and think a specified amount of time on a treadmill will miraculously etch out their sinful indulgences. These are the same people who grab tons of Clif bars and Vitamin Waters, or take supplements they buy from GNC; they'll also talk a lot about whey protein powder, as if it's the superior option. This is precisely the type of shit that gets my dick in a twist. They'll also worry a lot about protein intake, as if it's more important than any other nutrient; in their eyes, the meat and dairy slices on the food pyramid are just as large as the fruit and vegetable slices.
2.) For whatever reason, there are the dickfaces who come in and think salad is the only healthy thing you can eat. Most of these people have never even made a single salad in their lifetime - they just buy the prepackaged Fresh Express bullshit. Mostly when they actually go to the salad bar, they put eggs, cheese, or huge fucking plops of salad dressing (ranch or thousand island) ontop of everything. These are the same assholes who fall for "lesser evil" eating, you know - "100 calorie" this, or "low-fat" that. Chances are they'll leave the store buying 4 boxes of "low-fat" cookies and a few Healthy Choice tv dinners.
There are so many other things about how most people perceive healthy eating that don't even have to do directly with either of those godforsaken stereotypes. I fucking Hate (I cannot italicize "hate" enough - if I could do something with the text that's ten times more dramatic I would) when people say some crock like "I like celery a lot, when it has peanut butter on it" or "carrots are my favorite vegetables when they're dipped in ranch." Guess what, assfuck? You don't "like" carrots or celery - you like peanut butter and ranch! Quit fooling yourself already - you don't like vegetables; go back to eating cheeseburgers and hotdogs you fat, worthless piece of fuck.
I also really want to spit on almost any customer who comes by assuming that transgenic foods are healthier, because as we should all know: scientists engineer everything they do for our collective health. Yeah fucking right, you gullible pricks.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Entry #4: Grapes
Grapes possibly attract some of the most obnoxious, self important customers. The customers that want grapes are hardly ever "right," and it's pretty certain that they have runny shit for tastebuds. There's nothing worth $1.29/lb about grapes, unless you're going to freeze them and use them as icecubes or you're an ancient Roman emperor and you have that shit fed to you while you lounge.
Customers constantly are bugging about grapes. They want fewer grapes than what's in the bag; call the whambulance. I could eat an entire bag of grapes in a single sitting, so I don't see what the problem is in trying to eat all of them before they go bad; not only does it take a long time for grapes to go bad, not only are they one of the most fun fruits to eat (throwing them and trying to catch them in your mouth like M&Ms) - but they're relatively healthy for you and you should be eating more of them throughout all of those servings.
Customers will ask you to give them fewer grapes, or will do it themselves, and put them in one of those bags spread throughout the produce department. Half of the time they'll second guess spending two fucking dollars or whatever, and throw them somewhere like ontop of the romaine lettuce or in some random, unrefridgerated place. Well guess what, shitface? Now that you didn't buy them, it's highly unlikely somebody else will when they're in some unmarked bag that they probably think we jerked off inside (since we're thieving, minimum-wage low-lives, remember?). Who the fuck cares if they're in some unmarked bag? Obviously the customers.
I wish we could just have grapevines magically growing inside the grocery store, so those pisspukes could pick their own god damn grapes. Chances are people would still find some way to bitch that there's too much.
Customers constantly are bugging about grapes. They want fewer grapes than what's in the bag; call the whambulance. I could eat an entire bag of grapes in a single sitting, so I don't see what the problem is in trying to eat all of them before they go bad; not only does it take a long time for grapes to go bad, not only are they one of the most fun fruits to eat (throwing them and trying to catch them in your mouth like M&Ms) - but they're relatively healthy for you and you should be eating more of them throughout all of those servings.
Customers will ask you to give them fewer grapes, or will do it themselves, and put them in one of those bags spread throughout the produce department. Half of the time they'll second guess spending two fucking dollars or whatever, and throw them somewhere like ontop of the romaine lettuce or in some random, unrefridgerated place. Well guess what, shitface? Now that you didn't buy them, it's highly unlikely somebody else will when they're in some unmarked bag that they probably think we jerked off inside (since we're thieving, minimum-wage low-lives, remember?). Who the fuck cares if they're in some unmarked bag? Obviously the customers.
I wish we could just have grapevines magically growing inside the grocery store, so those pisspukes could pick their own god damn grapes. Chances are people would still find some way to bitch that there's too much.
Entry #3: Apricots
Before I start my entry about apricots, I would like to take the time to recognize of all of the ludicrous signs that are posted all over my workplace. Of course there are plenty of those "motivational posters," you know the ones that internet nerds parody? Some bullshit about "teamwork," "inspiration," "integrity," or some other broad term and how it relates to a "proper" or "productive" workplace? There are tons of even shittier signs about things decidedly more specific to the company, like known loss and shrink: the shittiest fucking signs to exist. According to the sign, taking garbage is theft, and every worker (or consequently "thief") is a bald motherfucker in a large coat - the kind you wear nothing under and run up behind unsuspecting strangers to randomly whip out your dick. Also, the bald motherfucker is stealing flowers for some god fucking reason. Anyways, there's one sign I like at my store:
This sign is actually posted on our local 880 Union board and it obviously rules. Don't support Wal-Mart. The only qualm I have with the sign is its one shred of irony: the company I work for actually swallowed up at least two other grocery franchises in its wake, and currently owns the largest grocery store in the nation (in Pennsylvania) under the name of one of its subsidiaries. I guess it hasn't "destroyed" our community in the same way as Wal-Mart, because the jobs it replaces are pro-union and offer more opportunities than Wal-Mart - but the company itself displaces other grocery retailers and only does slightly more than other comparatively large grocery retailers to promote local businesses and farmers (we sell a few different vegetables, local pierogies, cleveland tofu, and local breads and specialty items that are "authentic" european goods).
IN CASE THAT WAS TOO BORING AND IRRELEVANT TO READ, THE ACTUAL ENTRY STARTS HERE:
Apricots. They're so tasty, and they're easily the best stone fruit. Apricots also rule because they're one of the best sources of beta-carotene other than carrots, and they're great sources of iron and potassium. Yesterday I bought apricot pierogies:
I'm thoroughly disappointed. I'm unsure whether or not it's the brand (even though Janka is pretty reliable in delivering good quality pierogies and blintzes), or because the apricot shit inside tasted like warm jelly, had the consistency of snot, and kept oozing out of my pierogies every time I took a bite - like I kept biting into a huge, bulbous whitehead.
Why an entry about apricots, you're probably wondering? Apricots are a working segway into a rant about European customers versus American customers' very boring and unrefined taste.
Yesterday night I had an old eastern European woman ask me about our apricots. She asked if she could take a bite into one to see if the apricots we had available were sweet. I told her it's fine by me but probably not by the store, to which she laughed.
Every once in awhile I have a European customer come in the store, ask me about something I don't know enough about, and tell me about some awesome sounding traditional recipe they're preparing. Today I had an adorable old Scottish lady ask me about rutabagas and tell me how she prepares them. She told me that "in Scot'lin everyboody loves 'em, but 'ere they're burly tho't of as ca'le feed."
Old european ladies always know how to prepare a good, traditional meal with real fucking food and from scratch.
American customers are usually assholes who ask me where the "gelepanos(sic)," "guacamoles," or something boring like iceberg are. Plenty of American customers also like to pretend they're cosmopolitan or well cultured, as if eating a pomegranate or hummus suddenly makes every middle easterner your friend. People also have huge boners over anything "superfruit."
Ask nine out of ten fashionable youth what their favorite Vitamin Water flavor is, and I assure you they'll tell you "xxx" (I could rant about how much I hate Vitamin Water and its popularity, but that's more fitting in another entry). Acai and Goji both make for some good flavors and juices, but you know what's a real fucking "superfruit"? Blackberries.
Guess what? Blackberries probably grow in your fucking backyard, the most "local" you can possibly get.
You're not more educated or a better person because you're consuming some exotic fruit grown in another country. You know what makes you more "cultured"? Understanding your local or regional traditions, and eating what grows well in your area and recognizing what's truly culturally relevant in your location.
This sign is actually posted on our local 880 Union board and it obviously rules. Don't support Wal-Mart. The only qualm I have with the sign is its one shred of irony: the company I work for actually swallowed up at least two other grocery franchises in its wake, and currently owns the largest grocery store in the nation (in Pennsylvania) under the name of one of its subsidiaries. I guess it hasn't "destroyed" our community in the same way as Wal-Mart, because the jobs it replaces are pro-union and offer more opportunities than Wal-Mart - but the company itself displaces other grocery retailers and only does slightly more than other comparatively large grocery retailers to promote local businesses and farmers (we sell a few different vegetables, local pierogies, cleveland tofu, and local breads and specialty items that are "authentic" european goods).
IN CASE THAT WAS TOO BORING AND IRRELEVANT TO READ, THE ACTUAL ENTRY STARTS HERE:
Apricots. They're so tasty, and they're easily the best stone fruit. Apricots also rule because they're one of the best sources of beta-carotene other than carrots, and they're great sources of iron and potassium. Yesterday I bought apricot pierogies:
I'm thoroughly disappointed. I'm unsure whether or not it's the brand (even though Janka is pretty reliable in delivering good quality pierogies and blintzes), or because the apricot shit inside tasted like warm jelly, had the consistency of snot, and kept oozing out of my pierogies every time I took a bite - like I kept biting into a huge, bulbous whitehead.Why an entry about apricots, you're probably wondering? Apricots are a working segway into a rant about European customers versus American customers' very boring and unrefined taste.
Yesterday night I had an old eastern European woman ask me about our apricots. She asked if she could take a bite into one to see if the apricots we had available were sweet. I told her it's fine by me but probably not by the store, to which she laughed.
Every once in awhile I have a European customer come in the store, ask me about something I don't know enough about, and tell me about some awesome sounding traditional recipe they're preparing. Today I had an adorable old Scottish lady ask me about rutabagas and tell me how she prepares them. She told me that "in Scot'lin everyboody loves 'em, but 'ere they're burly tho't of as ca'le feed."
Old european ladies always know how to prepare a good, traditional meal with real fucking food and from scratch.
American customers are usually assholes who ask me where the "gelepanos(sic)," "guacamoles," or something boring like iceberg are. Plenty of American customers also like to pretend they're cosmopolitan or well cultured, as if eating a pomegranate or hummus suddenly makes every middle easterner your friend. People also have huge boners over anything "superfruit."
Ask nine out of ten fashionable youth what their favorite Vitamin Water flavor is, and I assure you they'll tell you "xxx" (I could rant about how much I hate Vitamin Water and its popularity, but that's more fitting in another entry). Acai and Goji both make for some good flavors and juices, but you know what's a real fucking "superfruit"? Blackberries.
Guess what? Blackberries probably grow in your fucking backyard, the most "local" you can possibly get.
You're not more educated or a better person because you're consuming some exotic fruit grown in another country. You know what makes you more "cultured"? Understanding your local or regional traditions, and eating what grows well in your area and recognizing what's truly culturally relevant in your location.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Entry #2: The Truck
In my entry titled "The Truck," I plan to clear up a few misconceptions that customers have as far as product availability and my rights as a produce worker - and how they all tie into the arrival of our nightly truck.
So much depends upon a bearded male in a Harley Davidson t-shirt parking a semi beside the grocery stores. Almost every evening that I work, my routine consists of hard work when I first arrive (usually including "breaking down the truck," ie. removing all the boxes of product from the pallets they're delivered on and organizing them against the cooler/backroom walls), dwiddling around and shooting the shit while waiting for the truck to arrive, and then a flare of energy and hard work for the last hour or so of my shift. On incredibly slow days, or incredibly quick days where product swarms out the backroom and it's left nearly barren, most of my pay comes from sitting on my ass and talking about pop-culture movies with my coworkers while we wait for the truck to park behind the store and hear that annoying ring on the walkie as the truck driver asks for a manager to let him/her inside.
As it ties into "the truck," sometimes customers ask for a product that's been completely sold out and in response I have to drone the same, "maybe it will be on the truck - it usually comes anywhere between 5 and 8." Some customers say that they'll return, others live too far away and act like I'm a total obstacle preventing them from safely acquiring their 1lb baby cut carrots.
If the truck has already arrived, I tell them that it's parked and to try back once they're done with their shopping and I'll check to see if the item is dropped off yet. I had to repeat this same fucking speech at least a dozen times today, because of an unexpectedly busy day that resulted in all of our bananas, baby cut carrots, green peppers, bagged carrots, and zucchini being completely sold out.
Anyways, I was sidetracked a bit. Where does the annoyance with the customers occur? Customers assume that I'm the prick who makes the daily orders. I don't order shit! The only workers that make orders are the manager, the assistant manager, and the one asshat who's worked in the department for over 10 years - which I assure you every store has; The "asshat" at my store is a pretty alright dude though, so no disrespect. Ordering isn't something that every menial worker does. This isn't the sixties: I don't make orders, I don't sit around and "pollish apples" (I don't know if this is a joke, but elderly people always ask me outside of my workplace if I just stock items and pollish apples), and I haven't tried every single fruit and vegetable in the department nor am able to tell you if this is a "good crop" of whatever the fuck you're eyeing. I honestly wish I could tell you if it was a good crop. As if I'm watching the Cavs and they commit a foul and it goes uncalled, I want to remain loyal to the home team and I would hate to admit the customer, as much distate I usually have for him/her, should be right. I wish my workplace allowed me to sample every crop or every new product; from what I've been told, workers used to be entitled to sample back in the sixties and before. How am I supposed to answer about a product if it's something I don't know dick about? How am I supposed to accurately know a product and its actual shelf life if it's something I would never buy myself? I'm never going to buy certain fucking vegetables, so I can only go by heresay as to when they taste the best or when they start to lose flavor. Some vegetables I barely know how to tell when they're going bad until they're moldy or rotten, and I'm not alone. I could be so much more informative if I had experiential knowledge of every product.
Also directed towards people stuck in the past - I don't make prices. Why do people bitch to me about high prices, as if they're under my jurisdiction? I'm the lowest totem on the totem pole, it's not like all of the employees meet in a circular room and knitpick over the matter of pricing. Pricing is handled by the slimy dickheads at corporate.
So much depends upon a bearded male in a Harley Davidson t-shirt parking a semi beside the grocery stores. Almost every evening that I work, my routine consists of hard work when I first arrive (usually including "breaking down the truck," ie. removing all the boxes of product from the pallets they're delivered on and organizing them against the cooler/backroom walls), dwiddling around and shooting the shit while waiting for the truck to arrive, and then a flare of energy and hard work for the last hour or so of my shift. On incredibly slow days, or incredibly quick days where product swarms out the backroom and it's left nearly barren, most of my pay comes from sitting on my ass and talking about pop-culture movies with my coworkers while we wait for the truck to park behind the store and hear that annoying ring on the walkie as the truck driver asks for a manager to let him/her inside.
As it ties into "the truck," sometimes customers ask for a product that's been completely sold out and in response I have to drone the same, "maybe it will be on the truck - it usually comes anywhere between 5 and 8." Some customers say that they'll return, others live too far away and act like I'm a total obstacle preventing them from safely acquiring their 1lb baby cut carrots.
If the truck has already arrived, I tell them that it's parked and to try back once they're done with their shopping and I'll check to see if the item is dropped off yet. I had to repeat this same fucking speech at least a dozen times today, because of an unexpectedly busy day that resulted in all of our bananas, baby cut carrots, green peppers, bagged carrots, and zucchini being completely sold out.
Anyways, I was sidetracked a bit. Where does the annoyance with the customers occur? Customers assume that I'm the prick who makes the daily orders. I don't order shit! The only workers that make orders are the manager, the assistant manager, and the one asshat who's worked in the department for over 10 years - which I assure you every store has; The "asshat" at my store is a pretty alright dude though, so no disrespect. Ordering isn't something that every menial worker does. This isn't the sixties: I don't make orders, I don't sit around and "pollish apples" (I don't know if this is a joke, but elderly people always ask me outside of my workplace if I just stock items and pollish apples), and I haven't tried every single fruit and vegetable in the department nor am able to tell you if this is a "good crop" of whatever the fuck you're eyeing. I honestly wish I could tell you if it was a good crop. As if I'm watching the Cavs and they commit a foul and it goes uncalled, I want to remain loyal to the home team and I would hate to admit the customer, as much distate I usually have for him/her, should be right. I wish my workplace allowed me to sample every crop or every new product; from what I've been told, workers used to be entitled to sample back in the sixties and before. How am I supposed to answer about a product if it's something I don't know dick about? How am I supposed to accurately know a product and its actual shelf life if it's something I would never buy myself? I'm never going to buy certain fucking vegetables, so I can only go by heresay as to when they taste the best or when they start to lose flavor. Some vegetables I barely know how to tell when they're going bad until they're moldy or rotten, and I'm not alone. I could be so much more informative if I had experiential knowledge of every product.
Also directed towards people stuck in the past - I don't make prices. Why do people bitch to me about high prices, as if they're under my jurisdiction? I'm the lowest totem on the totem pole, it's not like all of the employees meet in a circular room and knitpick over the matter of pricing. Pricing is handled by the slimy dickheads at corporate.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Entry #1: Bananas
I guess before I get too deeply engaged in my entry, I should make an attempt at trying to explain myself - seeing as this entry is my opening post on this blog. I'm Bobby, a 23 year old male who works at his largest regional grocery retailer in the produce department. My job means much to me and some of my major "hobbies" relate to my job, including: learning about and tasting new fruits/vegetables, reading about food policy and nutrition, cooking (although I'm only a rookie at best), and promoting local and organic food sources. In the following years, or even months, I plan on learning to garden well on a smaller scale without the use of chemical fertilizers or artificial pesticides. I've been vegetarian (pushing vegan - ie. I drink almond milk instead of dairy milk) for over 5 years and I think it's a shame that most people I associate with haven't delved too much into the territory of unfamiliar vegetables, and instead survive off of soy substitutes.
Enough about myself - I would like to discuss bananas, the American staple fruit. Bananas are one of the fastest selling products at any grocery store, and they're certainly one of the cheapest/"best" snacks for their price. Everywhere I've been in the United States sells bananas for under fifty cents a pound; here in Ohio, the going price at most places (including my work) is thirty-nine cents a pound.
Americans can get a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendys for ninety-nine cents, a Clif Bar from Trader Joe's for one dollar, 3 packs of ramen noodles at thirty-three cents a piece, a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for approximately one dollar - or a bunch of bananas from any grocer, farmer's market, or even Circle K for that same dollar bill. Here in northeast Ohio you can rarely even get an avocado for a dollar.
All things considered, bananas are a top tier snack food. Not only are they cheap, but they suppress hunger, they're commonly known by Americans as being a great source of Potassium (although nearly any fruit or vegetable is), they're wonderful thickeners for smoothies or recipes, and they come conveniently in their own protective peel.
Bananas are one popular product whose popularity I actually think is deserving. Iceberg lettuce is total trash, vidalia onions are the most worthless thing to exist in the Allium genus, baby cut carrots and celery are the most boring items to even have the honor of resting in the confines of the produce department - but bananas definitely deserve their high profile, and they're probably the only item that the casual shopper buys from the produce department that isn't purchased to be dipped in ranch or positioned on a burger.
Why then, would I go out of my way to make an "Angry Produce Guy" rant about bananas or their patrons, especially as my first and considerably most pressing post? I have a whole cornucopia of reasons.
1. The first matter is customers and ripping bananas from the bunch from whence they belong. It may seem a petty complaint at first glance, but consider that bananas are probably the fastest selling item in the entire department; we have at least an entire pallet of bananas to sell at my grocery store on any given day. Honestly, the same held true at any other grocery store I've ever worked at, meaning: there are dozens upon dozens of bunches to pick from. Why would a customer pick up a bunch of 7 bananas and rip off 2 and place them back - instead of just grabbing a bunch of 5 bananas, which is probably the most frequent number of bananas in a bunch anyway? It makes no sense to me. All that a dipshit customer accomplishes by dismembering that bunch is making an extra mess, unnecessary work for myself or my coworkers, and an ugly fucking, lone banana eyesore. You're not saving too much money, seeing as bananas are only thirty-nine cents a pound! In removing that banana you're only saving maybe a dime - great, go call your asshole friend with that dime you saved and tell him about the shitty bananas you just bought. If you wanted, and my work permitted, I would give you that ten cents to buy an extra fucking banana to replace whatever unhealthy snack you'd cram down your throat later. Do you trim your greens you buy to save a few cents? Do you go down the perishable aisles and only grab half a box of cookies, because you're afraid they'll "go bad" before you'll eat all of them, you worthless piece of shitfuck?
2. Why do customers search so carefully for their bunch that's a perfect fucking expression of their unique personality? Standard bananas have two tastes: ripe or unripe, yellow or green. There is little to no variance in bananas' taste - it's plain as shit, you can read it on their peel. I can understand if you're buying something that actually requires some thought like berries. If you're buying blackberries, for example, you want to look at their color, make sure there's no mold, and check the sizes of the berries and their drupulets. Bananas are the easiest product in the produce department to shop for, yet people think they're suddenly important connoisseurs des bananes thoroughly inspecting every fucking bunch graced with the presence of their nobility. You're not knowledgable about fruits or vegetables because you think you're able to find a good bunch of bananas.
3. If your bananas aren't ripe enough: wait for them to ripen. If your bananas are too big, cut them in half when using them, or just eat whatever's left over.
4. People constantly grab from where I'm stocking. Sometimes I'll even rotate the bananas when the older ones are browning or bruised, and people dig underneath to get the bananas I just placed. Why don't you just ask to take bananas from my fucking boxes! Are customers really that antisocial, or that afraid that I'm some thieving, minimum-wage low-life who's incapable of social interaction? This shit pisses me off something harder than my dick. You're like a gopher or muskrat tossing dirt all over my freshly mowed lawn as you dig your holes.
5. My work does "banana bags." Banana bags are bags stuffed with what's supposed to be three pounds of bananas (although I usually put upwards to four or five pounds) for ninety-nine cents. Why don't people buy banana bags? No fucking clue. They just sit there some days, the great deal that they are, and only take up space.
6. People bitch way too much about anything organic, like it's some migrant force threatening their status quo. Note that I will probably complain about peoples' distrust of organic food regularly in my posts. Honestly, food engineers make their patrons' health their key concern and never do anything "wrong," greedy, or otherwise harmful to the species or environment. Nope. "Science" is the buttfuck buddy of humanity, and it even remembers the complimentary reach around and Andes mint on the pillowcase. Yes, major organic agribusinesses make more money and can demand higher markups for what's considered a "speciality" item. It's no secret: nobody is "immune" to greedy or corrupt practices. Yes, organic food goes bad quicker - but that's because that's how food, especially produce, is supposed to be. If you're going to cook something up mighty, then go to the grocery store or market the days before preparation - you don't need to stock up on food like you're living in a bombshelter.
Organic food is healthier for you, and it tastes better. I will probably revise this entry with quotes supporting both claims I just made.
Well, I guess that is everything I have to say about bananas in my premier blog entry as my new web persona, "The Angry Produce Guy." As a closing statement, I ask that anybody buying bananas follow everything I posted and try and be more considerate to the workers as you're rummaging through bananas. I also recommend to any readers to buy red bananas, because they rule and they're definitely worth the extra dollar or so a pound.
Enough about myself - I would like to discuss bananas, the American staple fruit. Bananas are one of the fastest selling products at any grocery store, and they're certainly one of the cheapest/"best" snacks for their price. Everywhere I've been in the United States sells bananas for under fifty cents a pound; here in Ohio, the going price at most places (including my work) is thirty-nine cents a pound.
Americans can get a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger from Wendys for ninety-nine cents, a Clif Bar from Trader Joe's for one dollar, 3 packs of ramen noodles at thirty-three cents a piece, a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese for approximately one dollar - or a bunch of bananas from any grocer, farmer's market, or even Circle K for that same dollar bill. Here in northeast Ohio you can rarely even get an avocado for a dollar.
All things considered, bananas are a top tier snack food. Not only are they cheap, but they suppress hunger, they're commonly known by Americans as being a great source of Potassium (although nearly any fruit or vegetable is), they're wonderful thickeners for smoothies or recipes, and they come conveniently in their own protective peel.
Bananas are one popular product whose popularity I actually think is deserving. Iceberg lettuce is total trash, vidalia onions are the most worthless thing to exist in the Allium genus, baby cut carrots and celery are the most boring items to even have the honor of resting in the confines of the produce department - but bananas definitely deserve their high profile, and they're probably the only item that the casual shopper buys from the produce department that isn't purchased to be dipped in ranch or positioned on a burger.
Why then, would I go out of my way to make an "Angry Produce Guy" rant about bananas or their patrons, especially as my first and considerably most pressing post? I have a whole cornucopia of reasons.
1. The first matter is customers and ripping bananas from the bunch from whence they belong. It may seem a petty complaint at first glance, but consider that bananas are probably the fastest selling item in the entire department; we have at least an entire pallet of bananas to sell at my grocery store on any given day. Honestly, the same held true at any other grocery store I've ever worked at, meaning: there are dozens upon dozens of bunches to pick from. Why would a customer pick up a bunch of 7 bananas and rip off 2 and place them back - instead of just grabbing a bunch of 5 bananas, which is probably the most frequent number of bananas in a bunch anyway? It makes no sense to me. All that a dipshit customer accomplishes by dismembering that bunch is making an extra mess, unnecessary work for myself or my coworkers, and an ugly fucking, lone banana eyesore. You're not saving too much money, seeing as bananas are only thirty-nine cents a pound! In removing that banana you're only saving maybe a dime - great, go call your asshole friend with that dime you saved and tell him about the shitty bananas you just bought. If you wanted, and my work permitted, I would give you that ten cents to buy an extra fucking banana to replace whatever unhealthy snack you'd cram down your throat later. Do you trim your greens you buy to save a few cents? Do you go down the perishable aisles and only grab half a box of cookies, because you're afraid they'll "go bad" before you'll eat all of them, you worthless piece of shitfuck?
2. Why do customers search so carefully for their bunch that's a perfect fucking expression of their unique personality? Standard bananas have two tastes: ripe or unripe, yellow or green. There is little to no variance in bananas' taste - it's plain as shit, you can read it on their peel. I can understand if you're buying something that actually requires some thought like berries. If you're buying blackberries, for example, you want to look at their color, make sure there's no mold, and check the sizes of the berries and their drupulets. Bananas are the easiest product in the produce department to shop for, yet people think they're suddenly important connoisseurs des bananes thoroughly inspecting every fucking bunch graced with the presence of their nobility. You're not knowledgable about fruits or vegetables because you think you're able to find a good bunch of bananas.
3. If your bananas aren't ripe enough: wait for them to ripen. If your bananas are too big, cut them in half when using them, or just eat whatever's left over.
4. People constantly grab from where I'm stocking. Sometimes I'll even rotate the bananas when the older ones are browning or bruised, and people dig underneath to get the bananas I just placed. Why don't you just ask to take bananas from my fucking boxes! Are customers really that antisocial, or that afraid that I'm some thieving, minimum-wage low-life who's incapable of social interaction? This shit pisses me off something harder than my dick. You're like a gopher or muskrat tossing dirt all over my freshly mowed lawn as you dig your holes.
5. My work does "banana bags." Banana bags are bags stuffed with what's supposed to be three pounds of bananas (although I usually put upwards to four or five pounds) for ninety-nine cents. Why don't people buy banana bags? No fucking clue. They just sit there some days, the great deal that they are, and only take up space.
6. People bitch way too much about anything organic, like it's some migrant force threatening their status quo. Note that I will probably complain about peoples' distrust of organic food regularly in my posts. Honestly, food engineers make their patrons' health their key concern and never do anything "wrong," greedy, or otherwise harmful to the species or environment. Nope. "Science" is the buttfuck buddy of humanity, and it even remembers the complimentary reach around and Andes mint on the pillowcase. Yes, major organic agribusinesses make more money and can demand higher markups for what's considered a "speciality" item. It's no secret: nobody is "immune" to greedy or corrupt practices. Yes, organic food goes bad quicker - but that's because that's how food, especially produce, is supposed to be. If you're going to cook something up mighty, then go to the grocery store or market the days before preparation - you don't need to stock up on food like you're living in a bombshelter.
Organic food is healthier for you, and it tastes better. I will probably revise this entry with quotes supporting both claims I just made.
Well, I guess that is everything I have to say about bananas in my premier blog entry as my new web persona, "The Angry Produce Guy." As a closing statement, I ask that anybody buying bananas follow everything I posted and try and be more considerate to the workers as you're rummaging through bananas. I also recommend to any readers to buy red bananas, because they rule and they're definitely worth the extra dollar or so a pound.
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